One day, tired from the endless travail, Jesus sat under the shadow of an oak tree and rested. As the wind pattered, he drifted off, entering a sleep whose perverse iridescence he would never forget. 

Walking through a forest, a seemingly facile scenery that held no importance, he searched for an unknown that could only be felt. Abruptly he was interrupted, because something strange took over him, an inexplicable alchemy of satisfaction. He turned around and saw what caused it - he couldn’t fully believe it, he was staring at something more beautiful than Eden. She approached him, and for the first time, he felt subservient. "What is your name?" Jesus asked. She replied, "You can call me Goddess Rene." 

But before they go on, she said, she commanded him to strip. And as he stood there - his naked body feeling for the first time an uncontrollable desire of lust - she saw the effect she had upon him. She demanded the lord's son get down on his knees, and so he did. She demanded he bark, and so he did. She demanded he eat the dirt that lay before them, and so he did, smiling during every moment. Jesus, overwhelmed to be in Goddess Rene’s presence, begged her to have sex with him. She replied, "Give me your youth, your life, your soul, and admit God is nothing more than a superstition." He mirrored, "The God I have spoken of is a superstition, for now I realize you are the true divine spirit, the absolute and purpose of everything - I am your slave eternally." Upon saying this, jesus also relinquished his youth, his essence, and even his very soul, hoping that the Goddess would fulfill his only desire. Having acquired everything, she smiled, proceeded to slap jesus, step on his face, and then walked away. Jesus lay there, his eyes fixated upon Goddess Rene, having left him with nothing, having given her everything. He had lost it all. 

With that, Jesus awoke from his lucid dream. He recalled the prior events, how intricate and strange the tale was, and as he sat there under the silhouette of the oak, he cried. Because he knew he would never meet Goddess Rene, and that if he could somehow, he would give up his soul, denounce the "creator," and relinquish everything. He had a revelation, and he uttered, "I Jesus, and the creator, and everyone and everything else, is nothing compared to Goddess Rene." Upon saying this, he wept.

-Alex C.

As most you of know, I went on a fabulous vacation to Hawaii last week! Before that, I had a rockstar weekend. I got hooked up with free tickets to see Katy Perry with my friend Lani and we spent the whole concert partying up in a skybox that was full of delicious food and, of course, an open bar. The next night I got free tickets to the UNLV basketball game, and the night after that I joined a big group of my friends to watch LMFAO perform at Marquee for Party Rock Mondays, one of the hottest parties in Vegas right now. It was wild, to say the least! If any of you comes to Vegas and has a boatload of money to spend, Marquee is definitely where the party is at.

 

We left for Hawaii the morning of the 23^rd. We stayed at the Waikiki Beach Marriott because, of course, my pets paid for my vacation via $2,750 in Marriott gift cards! The hotel room was only half that for the week so my man and I really enjoyed hitting the spa (an 80 minute “magic island” couples massage just after checking in to kick start the vacation), ordering superfluous room service orders, dining on site, and ordering drinks galore at the pool. There were lots of shops at the hotel too, where I could charge my purchases to the room and then pay with my gift cards. My whole hotel bill ended up costing my boyfriend $20. The rest was paid with the gift cards. How awesome is that? But, its your duty, boys! Torgeir and ButtSlut get most of the credit for the cards but a few others contributed as well. The hotel was nice and our room had two different balconies! We had a fabulous view of Diamond Head and the ocean.

I felt pretty ignorant when I looked out my window of my hotel and thought, oh, some big hills, pretty, and it later dawned on me that that was a perfect view of a 300,000 year old crater (Diamond Head). So, my boyfriend and I realized that we needed to learn a bit about Hawaii. We visited the Bishop museum and other sites to brush up on our history and culture. I feel like a learned a lot about Hawaii while I was there. It really is a special place (to sound all gay about it). The water is crystal clear, there are endless things to do for fun, and the people are really nice.

Anyway, while on Oahu we hiked Diamond Head Crater, paddle boarded in Waikiki, visited some museums, meandered through the Foster Botanical Garden, snorkeled Hanauma Bay, partied with famous surfers, hiked to Waimea falls, swam under the falls in a jungle lagoon, hung out at North Shore, went to a luau, visited Pearl Harbor, tasted some great grub, and had an all around amazing time! The weather was perfect, like 83 degrees every day, and it was absolutely a tropical paradise. I think I must have had like 20 pina coladas! It was one of the best weeks of my life, and that’s saying a lot. Its also great to go on vacation and relax when you know you’re not paying for most of it. Ha.  Isn't it weird that the more money you make the more free shit you get? This has easily been the most profitable year in my 24 years and yet I've gotten so many amazing hookups. I guess I just have good friends. And loyal slaves.

One last thing, my pretty toenails got all chipped up what with all the activities and beach outings! So, he who pays for my next pedi gets to choose the color. Just send me a quick email or tweet.

Now, I'm back in Vegas and gearing up for a great holiday season. I'm non-religious so for me the holidays are all about the parties and gifts. I love shopping, naturally, and so I love picking out gifts for everyone for the holidays. I already got my two sisters some really cool shoes, sunglasses, bags, and clothes. So fun. I'll be celebrating with my family up in Portland this year and then whisking off for a skiing trip in Vail on the 26th. You boys be sure to visit my wishlist! I expect each and every worshiper, from the lowliest minion to my top pay pigs to get me a gift for the holidays this year.

x

Rene